Back to the Future

I don’t like looking back for fear that I’ll turn into a pillar of salt, but recently, I realized that there is a difference between looking back and living in the past.  Looking back into our past and even a trip back there may just be what we need to sort out our present and move towards the future.

Therefore, I took a trip way back into my past and had to visit and come face to face with some difficult choices I had made that were holding me back in my present.

First of all let me say how important atonement is.  We must let go of any resentment that we are holding on to.  We must say it’s okay, I screwed up, it was my choice, my mess up and this person had nothing to do with it; and move on.  I’ll spare you the details of my journey for fear that I’ll bore you to death.  However, I did discover that I had one big regret; only, one which is not too bad- College.  I never went to college because, well, it doesn’t matter why, I didn’t.  And, I regret this deeply.

I’ve battled with the thought of going back to school not thinking I could because I was too old and have put it off time and time again.  But, then the universe decided for me and as I searched for work every single door not only closed, but was being slammed in my face.  Why?  Not because I didn’t have experience or wasn’t capable or smart but because I didn’t have the one thing I had left undone.  A degree. 

It took every bit of energy I had, I cried feeling useless, but then once my pity party was over, I did what I had to do and enrolled back in college.  I strolled into campus with my head held high and faced my one demon head on, fear of being rejected.

Turns out, I haven’t changed much at all.  As I strolled through campus from building to building, humbled beyond belief, facing one challenge after another; I realized I was still the same girl I was so many years ago.  I still loved the same things, art and literature.  Still dreaded Math, why, I don’t know, just do.  The book store and library were still my favorite of places.  I’m still a lip gloss, jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers kind-a-girl.  Simple and uncomplicated.

I’m still  an overachiever not happy at all and frowned when my transcripts were pulled up by my advisor and he beamed, “You have a 3.58 GPA!”  “That sucks.”  I said.  He laughed, “We can get you into some really great programs.  That’s a great GPA.”   “It’s not a 4.0.”  I said.  He rolled his eyes.

I’m still drawn to people.  Love them, always have, always will.  Drawn to helping where ever I can, and I still don’t care about money (go figure).  I still have the same belief system and I still want the same things.  I’m me.  I found me as I was then and as I am now.  For a second the world I knew then became the world I know now and it was almost as if time had stood still.  Years of lies and covering up melting away.

So, at a time when I thought I would be kicking back and semi-retired, I’m going back to college.  I’m starting over from scratch.  I have to say this will be the ride of my life, and I plan to do it no matter how difficult, no matter how challenging, no matter how exhausting.  I’m going to smile and go back to the future.

I ask you, what dreams have you buried in your past?  What in your past is holding you back from your future?

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

Tic Toc

Einstein believed that we lived in parallel worlds and that the past, the present, and the future all happened simultaneously.   Quantum physics, if you will.  Complex?  Not really, but I won’t bore you with what I find to be a fascinating philosophy on the theory of time. 

However, what if?  What if our worlds did co-exist and the essence of time was but an illusion?  What if we could and did have the power to bring the past into our present recreating our future?  Okay, I’m getting a little deep, but what if?

Not too long ago, I sat having cocktails with some girlfriends.  All of us having experienced broken romances, hearts, and left wondering was there really a “Mr. Right”?  I asked a question because anyone that knows me knows this is what I do, ask questions.  “What if I missed him?”  I asked.  “Missed who?”  “Mr. Right.  What if I was too busy with lip gloss, high heel shoes, and fixing my big hair that I missed him.”  There was some silence.  “I mean destiny says that we meet the man we’re destined to spend the rest of our lives with early in our journey.  What if I missed him?  What if I never get a second chance?  What then?”

Okay that was more than one question, but they got the point.  And, after throwing that out there like a giant meteor from the cruel and powerful all mighty Destiny, we had to have another drink because, well, that’s what we do.

But, how many times have we wanted “do overs”?  How many times have we secretly wished for the chance to do it all over again?  What if we missed something, someone because we were too caught up in insignificant details that matter very little at the time.  And, what if that secret wish from the depth of our hearts came true, and we were given that chance?   Destiny suddenly brought us face to face with our past in the present and we knew now what we couldn’t see then?

That night as I drove home, I thought… yes, yes, I know, I think too much; but, it was a quiet thought that came from my heart and not my noisy brain.  And, I sent out that thought to the universe, “If I missed him, do you think I can have a second chance?  Is it possible that our paths can cross one more time?  And, please don’t let me be preoccupied with lip gloss and shoes!”

It so happened, the Universe was paying attention that night even though I didn’t realize it. And, not too long after that on a day after the Christmas holidays while I was preoccupied and frustrated with the size of my big fat Cuban butt that I was trying to squeeze into my skinny jeans, there it was.  My past, “You are too hard on yourself.”  He said.  “You look great.”

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

                                                                                                                                                                 

A Reason; A Season; A Lifetime

What is our purpose in life?  We all ask this question.  We get so involved in finding out the answer, thinking about it, and trying to make sense of it that we forget to live.  We get so caught up in “the purpose” that we miss out on the journey; the journey that is life.  It is as if we were on a beautiful train ride with the most majestic of sceneries, but the shades of our window are down.  We missed the ride because we were so concerned on the destination.

We have but one purpose and that is to live.  We wake up, we breathe, we smile, and we live.  We experience all that there is one second at a time because that is all that we have.  We are all connected to one another, and we drift in and out of each other’s lives as we should, when we should, and as planned.  Every single soul we come in contact with has a meaning in our lives.  They will be with us for a reason, for a season, or a lifetime. They enter our lives with a lesson and vice-a-versa.

The soul at the checkout counter; the waitress; the stranger in the elevator; the beggar on the corner; the neighbor you just wave at; your co-worker.  These people all have a reason why they come into our lives and they all bring a message, it is up to us to receive it.  Or, we may be the one carrying the message and we may not even know it.  These people stay in our lives for a very short period of time, they come, they teach, and they leave, and we move on.  There is a reason.

The souls that stay with us for a season are probably the most challenging for us to let go of.  A friend; a lover; a teacher; a neighbor that we sit and chat with, these are relationships that were meant to last a season.  We teach one another the lessons that we must in order for us to move on to the next stepping stone on our journey.  These souls leave on their own accord, we leave, or sometimes they pass away.  At times, these may be difficult relationships.  We must remember, we have the most to learn from those that hurt us most. We must learn to let go of these relationships otherwise we cannot grow, we cannot move forward on our journey.  The separation is painful at times, a “broken” marriage, a long term relationship with a significant other, a relative is difficult to let go of.  However, we must once the season is over and the lessons have been learned.  We were not meant to stay together longer than a season, let go.

A lifetime, we’ll recognize these souls because they will be with us until the end of our journey or theirs.  Our parents, siblings, and children; regardless of the difficulties we encounter, we are there to carry one another through the whole journey.  We meet these souls early on in our lives, a friend that we have known since childhood or met in our early years.  They may fade in and out of our lives, we may not see each our often, or speak daily, but we are there throughout.  These souls were meant to be in our lives for a lifetime, but sometimes, we must walk separate paths until the universe brings us together once more.  We must learn and grow before we can continue the journey together, but they are there with us because once we have met, the bond will be made for a lifetime.

Every soul is an answer to a prayer whether ours or theirs.  We need to let go of the pain, the guilt, and the anger and move on.  We need to learn to shift through all the petty details of life, to stop thinking of our purpose, and just live.  As we live, we will love, and as we love it becomes evident that this journey is the most beautiful trip we will ever be on.  

Don’t miss out on living worried about life.

Cheers, my friend.

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

It's the thought that counts

I had a recent conversation with a friend regarding gifting.  Gifting at Valentine’s Day to be more specific.  He was confused as to what to get a girl someone he hadn’t been dating for too long, he liked her, but was afraid of sending the “wrong” message.  He then explained to me how much men dreaded buying a gift for a woman for fear that it may not be enough, or too much, not spending enough, or spending too much, and what would the message be?  “It just messes things up.”  He said.  “Besides, she says she really doesn’t want anything.”

I was a little taken back by this, I didn’t know men felt this way.  Maybe they don’t and this was just an isolated case, somehow, I don’t think so.  I couldn’t help and wonder, “when did buying a gift for a person become such a traumatic thing?”

I thought back at my very first boyfriend.  Granted, we were teenagers, but that kid did the single most romantic thing any man has ever done.  Every month on the anniversary of the day he asked me out, he would give me a single red rose.  “So, you never forget.”  He’d say, and I haven’t, December 18^th.  He did that every month for close to two years.  To this day, I remember it with great fondness.  What did it cost him?  Nothing, really.  It was a beautiful  thought.  And, what did it mean?  It meant, he cared enough to put a little thought into me.

Bottom line, a gift doesn’t have to be expensive or big or extravagant.  It really doesn’t mean anything more than a caring thought.  Someone took the time to think of you and get a little something just for you because they cared.  It’s that simple.  There is no hidden message, there are no hidden expectations, it’s a simple thought.

And, men, just for the record, even if we say that we really don’t want anything, we do.  We do because it’s a token that comes from the heart of a person we care about and that means the world to a woman.

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

Castles, Princes, and all that Jazz

Since as long as I can remember, we’ve been told of the infamous Prince.  You know the one, the one that will be riding in on his white horse and shining armor. We know exactly what he’ll look like, we’ve been told this, as well.  He’ll be tall, dark, and handsome.  He’ll be strong and capable of battling dragons, demons, and scaling tall stone walls to rescue us.

So, you really can’t blame us, ladies, for waiting patiently for the infamous Prince and his white horse.  Well, tic, toc, tic, toc.  And, while, I wait, I do what I do best, think.  I’m thinking about all those beautiful fairy tales.  From Snow White and the apple to the Little Mermaid, and I try to figure out the real message behind the story. I think we get so caught up in the sparkle of the pixie dust that we miss the message.

I decide, I love all the fairy tales.  I love, love, love Cinderella who suffers the ultimate pain of losing a glass slipper!  She goes from rags to riches and owes it all to a shoe.  I love Belle who is able to transform a Beast into a Prince.  What a concept!  I take notes on this one, one never knows.

But, I think the one Princesses, we can learn the most from is Sleeping Beauty.  Sleeping Beauty takes a nap in the midst of the turmoil.  I like this idea most.  Things are nuts, spinning out of control in Aurora’s world.  There’s just too much going on and what does she do?  She takes a nap!  Genius.  She goes to sleep and lets the world battle it out without her, “Wake me up when it’s all over.”  I like this!  I like this a lot!  While she’s getting her beauty rest, there is a man working overtime to battle the dragons, scale stone walls, and conquer an evil witch!  Brilliant; and, when he’s done, he kisses and she wakes up and everything is fabulous!  Time to do a little shopping and prepare for a wedding, now this is a fairy tale if ever I heard one.

I think our Prince is out there ladies.  I think we just need to take a nice long nap, get our beauty rest, and let him battle whatever dragons he must to make it us.  He will, we just need to be patient just like Aurora.  Lord, the woman waited 100 years!  Now, what does that tell you?

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

Love

Shakespeare believed that all great love stories ended in tragedy. Nicholas Sparks agreed. Emily Dickensen’s poems were all clouded by the pain of love lost and a great void that was never filled.

Plato believed that love was one soul which lived in two bodies. Our mission on earth was to complete ourselves once we had found our other half until then, we were incomplete. I tend to believe this is true.

This would explain that void we all feel, that hole, that emptiness that somehow we cannot fill. This is why we fall victim to addiction whether it’s food, drugs, alcohol. We try to fill the void inside of us that will make us whole again.

We embark on an endless quest for love. Often times, we find ourselves beaten down, defeated, disillusioned, and heart broken because we try to force love. We find someone and want to believe "this is it." We try to change them, mold them, and make them fit in that void we have inside. But, it doesn’t work that way. Love just is. It just happens.

Some of us are lucky and find our missing piece early on, some have lessons to learn and must travel a different path. Some give up all together, retrieve and melt into the darkness of that void clinging to things that can never complete us and accept the turmoil in our lives because the quest may be too difficult.

To find love we must open our hearts but most importantly, we must face our demons. We must face them head on with a pure soul and a leap of faith. Once we have battled our own personal demons; and, only then, will love find us. And, when it does, we won’t need words, it won’t be forced, or a struggle, or a fight; we will just know and be complete because we will look into that person’s eyes and see a reflection of ourselves.

Happy Valentine’s

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

To Face Book or Not to Face Book

Face Book has got to be one of the most incredible social experiences of my life. I connected with people and friends that I had not seen or spoken with in years. I sat with my year book trying to remember who was who while my kids watched and laughed at me, “what you think you are still in high school or something?” I dismiss their poking fun at me. "Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids."  I say, they look at me like I'm nuts which I am and we all know it.

FaceBook has been a therapeutic experience. I have mended fences, found really great friends, keep in touch with the people I love, and have made great new friends. I find humor in the silly quizzes, they are fun and distracting. The applications are hysterical, I love sending “mangos” and such for no apparent reason. And, of course, Face Book is a window into everyone's life which is not only entertaining but dramatic to say the least.

The one thing, I found is that no one has changed much. We have grown older, but we have not changed one bit. The funny guy, is still the funny guy now. The nice guy, still nice, maybe nicer. The guy that was full of himself, is still full of himself, even more. The gossip, still is the gossip. The quiet one, still quiet. No one has changed one single bit. Sometimes, when I'm on Face Book it feels like I'm back in grade school.

And, then, of course there is the silent stalker.  You know the one, this is the guy that never comments.  He may not even be your friend but a friend of a friend who watches your every post.  This is the guy that'll come to you in a gathering and act like he knows all about you because he does, and you are baffled because, "Who the heck are you?"  Creepy.

You would think that after all the hard blows that life has thrown at us, all of us, we would somehow realize that we are just here on Face Book to try and get through our challenging days. It's a fun way to socialize from the comfort of our home. It's a great way to put a smile on our face after a hard day. It's awesome that we are able to connect with people we love who are half a world away. It's a great place to be, but it's supposed to be fun.

Like any other community, there are always those that just don't get it. This is just a way for us to interact not over react. What we post everyone sees. What we think and write, everyone reads. When we comment on one particular thing, everyone knows. If you put it out there, it will come right back; and, unfortunately, it may not come back the way you intended it to be because people misread, misinterpret, and misunderstand.  Soon, you are caught up in a twisted web of Face Book threads that you can't get out of.   You are left wondering, "what in the world?"  You got to love it.

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

Dear Heart

Dear Heart

I am not sure if this relationship is really working out. We've been together for so long, and you always seem to let me down. Every time I have a little bit of hope; every time there seems to be a dream that may come true, you pull the rug right from under me.

I have loved you well. I have been true to my wishes but you lead me astray. I have listened attentively when you've called my name, but only to be disillusioned. I've paid attention during all those love stories from Cinderella to Sleepless in Seattle. I dream of Paris, pink diamonds, and long walks on a beach. I'm not sure you understand at all.

Listen, Heart, I don't know if I can go at this alone for as much pain and anguish that you've cost me; I don't think I can live without you. And, with every tear instead of toughening up, I soften up. I find myself smiling, singing, laughing, and loving more than ever. You tear my world apart, and I want to do away with you. Forget you exist and toss love out the window. Teach you a lesson. But you seem to be a step ahead. When I least expect it, WHAM! I'm on my butt holding you in my hands.

Therefore, I've decided that maybe we should come to some sort of arrangement, an agreement, if you will. Maybe you can just wise up a little. Maybe instead of doing what you want, you can listen to me for once. Maybe, just maybe, you can understand we need to just put this little concept of "love" away and not focus so much on it.

I know what you are thinking all the beautiful memories, the romances, the adventures, and the incredible love I've experienced. I know you are aware of my weakness and thrive on it. You must just sit back and watch me falter and fall knowing fare well that I cave in to the incredible power of love. I know what you are going to tell me that love is not what I perceive but what simply is.

I know that as much as I want to break from you, I cannot because you are all that I am. I guess I am stuck with you and all the silly emotions that you have embedded in me. I just wonder, if I have it in me to trust in you yet again?

Lucy Tamajon

Writer

September 2009

Dear Lucy,

You silly, silly child, if only you truly would listen to me and put aside all that comes from your mind.  You see, I am not the one that leads you astray.  I am the one that guides your every step.  It is the fear and anguish generated by your own thoughts that leads you on an alternate path.

No, I will not leave you for we cannot exist without the other.  You are all that I am, you bring joy and hope during the most difficult of times.  And, I in return give you love. 

If only you would learn to trust in me, you would be where you need to be.  Remember, that every tear, every pain, and every struggle has made you who you are. 

Give all that you have, and when you think you have nothing more to give, reach deep down and give more.  Do so without fear.  I’ve got you.   I will never deceive you for only I know what is you need most of all.

Your Heart,

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

Sex, marriage, and the baby carriage

Disclosure:  This blog deals with a mature subject matter must be 18 or over or just nuts to read. 

It was a great evening catching up with a friend.  We had margaritas, salsa, chips, and good meaningless conversation about this and that.  I was relaxed as I always am with my girlfriends.  We laughed about nothing, talked about nothing, and sipped, or better yet gulped our giant margaritas

Suddenly like a giant burrito from hell,  I heard those words, “Can I ask you a question?”  I’m not sure why THAT question makes me so uncomfortable, but it does, we’ll need to address that in another blog.  “Sure.”  I said taking a huge sip.  “Well, it’s about sex.”  I smiled, “Of course it is.” 

Now, footnote, why my girlfriends seem to ask me about relationship and sex all the time is beyond me, but there it was, the burrito from hell; she sighed, and boom!  “I’m not in the mood for sex anymore.”  I laughed, “Don’t worry, I wasn’t expecting you to put out.”  We both laughed and ordered another round.

I tried to grasp this for a second and understand what she was trying to say.  “Okay, is that you don’t want to have sex at all or just with your husband?”  Maybe I could have reworded it differently, but I didn’t.  She thought about it, fumbled for words, and then gave me an explanation that meant so many different things on so many different levels.

Therefore, I did what I do, I analyzed, and I thought, as I drank my margarita, thinking and drinking simultaneously by the way not an easy task.  “Here’s my take.”  I said,  “You have three small children, work a full time job, come home, cook, clean, deal with screaming kids, homework, get everyone bathed, and in bed, deal with more screaming, and finally get to bed exhausted at what, eleven, if you’re lucky, and now, you expect to be in the mood?   Really?”  She shrugged, “Is it normal?” 

Of course it’s normal!  My goodness, who feels “sexy”  after putting in a 16-hour day with screaming brats!  Sorry, but kids are bratty.  And, how can anyone expect you to be in the mood for anything but sleep when you have to wake up in 6 hours to do the madness all over again?  It’s nuts, insane, and cruel and unusual punishment. 

“What do I do?”  she asked.  “Set the mood.”  I said.  “Light some candles, get some wine, give the kids some benadryle … I’m not sure… but find a couple of hours just to relax and unwind.  What you have lost is passion.  You need to rekindle the passion.” 

She sighed.  “Not sure I want to do all that, I’m just not in the mood at all for any of it.  I want it to be like it used to be when we were first going out.”

“Well, honey, that was 15 years ago?  I’m not sure it can ever be that way again because you are at a different place.  You have lost yourself in someone else’s life.  You need to find yourself before you can please anyone else.”

So the question lingers in my head is there passion after marriage?  Yes, there may be sex, but are we going through the motions without any passion?  And, once that loving feeling has been lost can it be rekindled?  Okay, that was three questions.

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

"Forever... or maybe for just right now"

Forever, there is a loaded word if ever I heard one.  How do we time “forever”?  What does it mean?   It’s absurd to expect anyone would comply with such a word.

“I’ll love you forever.  I will be with you forever.  I will eat healthy forever.  I will work out forever.  I will take care of you forever”.  It’s a ridiculous word and should be banished from the universe’s vocabulary.  How can anyone know what they will do “forever”? 

 I had to ask myself (well, I didn’t but this is what I do), why would anyone make such a promise and why would we want anyone to make such a promise?  Are we as human beings so insecure that we need to hear someone make a promise that they will probably be unable to keep and ultimately both parties be miserable.  One sorry that forever wasn’t forever, and the other reminding them of the failed promise.

Nothing lasts forever.  It is impossible.  Things change.  Evolve.  Life is a metamorphous; a constant evolution that brings on new things leaving the old, tired, and worn out behind.  We shed layers of ourselves, we grow, we flourish anew, we learn, and we move forward.  We don’t stay planted in the same place for long because we often outgrow the pot we’ve bloomed in and our minds must be repotted so they can grow and our souls sore.  Life constantly shifts and rebalances itself, it is the essence of living.

Now, we make this promise, “forever”.  And, we are bound by guilt, remorse, and anguish to fulfill it.  Instead, we need to understand that love has no expectations and that living is enjoying the moment.  There are no calendars nor clocks in our hearts, promises need not be made, loving is unconditional and “forever “ is composed of many, “for just right now.”  

PS.. I know I'm going to get hit left and right with this one... lol.. all comments are welcomed as usual =)

Written by

Lucy Tamajon

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012

How do we move a mountain?

I love New Year’s Day, a spanking brand new year.  The opportunity to start fresh, start things anew, and leave all the garbage in the past.  I do a cleanse, house, mind, and soul.  I love to make room for possibilities and welcome challenges with optimism.

However, sometimes, we are faced with a mountain.  Overwhelmed, we stand in awe looking at the mountain before us that we must move to push forward.  We sigh, sometimes we even cry; and, then, too overwhelmed we look away and hope it will just go away.  I’m not a big fan of “hope”, I find that people that “hope” just sit there and waste time.  I’m a big fan of doing.

But, how do we move a mountain?  The task may be too great for us, too painful, to strenuous.  Of course, it’s easier to walk away pretend and hope.  We don’t want to be defeated, “this mountain is too big!”  We think.

Well, we move a mountain, one stone at a time.  That’s how we do it.  We take a good look at it, and start with one stone, it doesn’t have to be big; then we move to the next; and then another; and then one more.  One stone at a time, one step at a time, and before we know it, we’ve started to overcome not by sitting and “hoping”, but by doing.  By taking our lives in our own hands and moving.

So, today, as we sit looking at our pile of bills, credit cards, the number on the scale, our cholesterol; whether, we smoke too much or drink too much; or are too tired to walk or move; if we are in a bad place and that mountain just seems too enormous; take a first step and pick up one stone just one.  Start with the smallest of credit cards, pay that one off first – minimums to the rest.  Start with a commitment to walk just 30 minutes a day, good for your health and for your mind.  Give up just one food, sugar, bread, pasta… just one for 30-days(If you do it short term, you’ll stick to it).  Take two fewer smoking breaks a day.  Drink only on Friday nights or Saturday nights.  Just take it one step at a time.  You can say, “instead of smoking, I’ll go for a quick walk.” “ Instead of eating this donut, I’ll have an apple.” 

Do the little things first, and the big things will follow.  But, it’s up to you to move your mountain.  It won’t move by itself.  It won’t disappear.  It won’t fade just by hoping that it will.  You must take action, you may not think it’s much, but it adds up.  You may fall off the wagon, that’s okay, you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move on ahead.  It’s all right.  You are not alone, we all have mountains, and yours may just be a small hill compared to others. 

And, 364 days later, you’ll discover that you are closer to your goal than ever before.

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2011