Back to the Future

I don’t like looking back for fear that I’ll turn into a pillar of salt, but recently, I realized that there is a difference between looking back and living in the past.  Looking back into our past and even a trip back there may just be what we need to sort out our present and move towards the future.

Therefore, I took a trip way back into my past and had to visit and come face to face with some difficult choices I had made that were holding me back in my present.

First of all let me say how important atonement is.  We must let go of any resentment that we are holding on to.  We must say it’s okay, I screwed up, it was my choice, my mess up and this person had nothing to do with it; and move on.  I’ll spare you the details of my journey for fear that I’ll bore you to death.  However, I did discover that I had one big regret; only, one which is not too bad- College.  I never went to college because, well, it doesn’t matter why, I didn’t.  And, I regret this deeply.

I’ve battled with the thought of going back to school not thinking I could because I was too old and have put it off time and time again.  But, then the universe decided for me and as I searched for work every single door not only closed, but was being slammed in my face.  Why?  Not because I didn’t have experience or wasn’t capable or smart but because I didn’t have the one thing I had left undone.  A degree. 

It took every bit of energy I had, I cried feeling useless, but then once my pity party was over, I did what I had to do and enrolled back in college.  I strolled into campus with my head held high and faced my one demon head on, fear of being rejected.

Turns out, I haven’t changed much at all.  As I strolled through campus from building to building, humbled beyond belief, facing one challenge after another; I realized I was still the same girl I was so many years ago.  I still loved the same things, art and literature.  Still dreaded Math, why, I don’t know, just do.  The book store and library were still my favorite of places.  I’m still a lip gloss, jeans, t-shirt, and sneakers kind-a-girl.  Simple and uncomplicated.

I’m still  an overachiever not happy at all and frowned when my transcripts were pulled up by my advisor and he beamed, “You have a 3.58 GPA!”  “That sucks.”  I said.  He laughed, “We can get you into some really great programs.  That’s a great GPA.”   “It’s not a 4.0.”  I said.  He rolled his eyes.

I’m still drawn to people.  Love them, always have, always will.  Drawn to helping where ever I can, and I still don’t care about money (go figure).  I still have the same belief system and I still want the same things.  I’m me.  I found me as I was then and as I am now.  For a second the world I knew then became the world I know now and it was almost as if time had stood still.  Years of lies and covering up melting away.

So, at a time when I thought I would be kicking back and semi-retired, I’m going back to college.  I’m starting over from scratch.  I have to say this will be the ride of my life, and I plan to do it no matter how difficult, no matter how challenging, no matter how exhausting.  I’m going to smile and go back to the future.

I ask you, what dreams have you buried in your past?  What in your past is holding you back from your future?

Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012