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deals with a mature subject matter must be 18 or over or just nuts to
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It was a great evening catching up with a friend. We had margaritas, salsa, chips, and good
meaningless conversation about this and that.
I was relaxed as I always am with my girlfriends. We laughed about nothing, talked about
nothing, and sipped, or better yet gulped our giant margaritas
Suddenly like a giant burrito from hell, I heard those words, “Can I ask you a
question?” I’m not sure why THAT
question makes me so uncomfortable, but it does, we’ll need to address that in
another blog. “Sure.” I said taking a huge sip. “Well, it’s about sex.” I smiled, “Of course it is.”
Now, footnote, why my girlfriends seem to ask me about
relationship and sex all the time is beyond me, but there it was, the burrito from
hell; she sighed, and boom! “I’m not in
the mood for sex anymore.” I laughed, “Don’t
worry, I wasn’t expecting you to put out.”
We both laughed and ordered another round.
I tried to grasp this for a second and understand what she
was trying to say. “Okay, is that you
don’t want to have sex at all or just with your husband?” Maybe I could have reworded it differently,
but I didn’t. She thought about it,
fumbled for words, and then gave me an explanation that meant so many different
things on so many different levels.
Therefore, I did what I do, I analyzed, and I thought, as I
drank my margarita, thinking and drinking simultaneously by the way not an easy
task. “Here’s my take.” I said,
“You have three small children, work a full time job, come home, cook,
clean, deal with screaming kids, homework, get everyone bathed, and in bed,
deal with more screaming, and finally get to bed exhausted at what, eleven, if
you’re lucky, and now, you expect to be in the mood? Really?”
She shrugged, “Is it normal?”
Of course it’s normal!
My goodness, who feels “sexy”
after putting in a 16-hour day with screaming brats! Sorry, but kids are bratty. And, how can anyone expect you to be in the
mood for anything but sleep when you have to wake up in 6 hours to do the
madness all over again? It’s nuts,
insane, and cruel and unusual punishment.
“What do I do?” she
asked. “Set the mood.” I said. “Light some candles, get some wine, give the
kids some benadryle … I’m not sure… but find a couple of hours just to relax
and unwind. What you have lost is
passion. You need to rekindle the
passion.”
She sighed. “Not sure
I want to do all that, I’m just not in the mood at all for any of it. I want it to be like it used to be when we
were first going out.”
“Well, honey, that was 15 years ago? I’m not sure it can ever be that way again
because you are at a different place.
You have lost yourself in someone else’s life. You need to find yourself before you can
please anyone else.”
Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2012
Comments are welcomed on this one, my friend would love to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteOf course there can be passion after marriage...or after many years have passed in a committed relationship. You have hit the nail on the head, though -- we do have a tendency to get so caught up in the mundane aspects of, well, living that we often lose the time and the energy it takes to keep passion alive. Or at least that is the excuse that most of us end up using.
ReplyDeleteListen...we all want the fairy tale, men and women alike. Everybody wants their story to end with the line, "...and they lived happily ever after." This may very well be the most damaging thing to the human psyche that has ever been written. It is not that the fairy tale is unattainable; rather that the fairy tales never really go into the more boring details of how much work happily ever after requires from both parties.
And anyone who believes that marriage and commitment -- for life -- are not hard work is fooling themselves...and headed for a hard lesson. Life has a way of interfering with life, and getting in the way of living. Still, we humans find our own way of investing time and energy into anything that we really care about for whatever reason (work, kids, house, car, family, friends, facebook, etc.). As a relationship ages and marriages move thru the years, it becomes easier and easier to take it for granted, and harder and harder to remember that you still have to add it to the list of things you dedicate time to because you care.
I cannot speak for women and what they want. Hell, I cannot speak for most men and what they want, truthfully. As for me, passion is found in the little things. As days -- and years -- go by, does my heart still skip a beat when she walks into the room? Does my day get a little brighter because of her smile? Is she still my safe harbor when life's waters get rough? Do her idiosyncrasies -- the little habits and ticks that make her uniquely her -- still make me laugh and giggle (or are they becoming annoying)? Does she still turn me on, even on her bad days? To me, this is passion, and as long as I still feel these things and this way about her, then it is my job to tell her and show her if I am to have any chance of keeping her passion for me alive.
Yes, it is hard work. But it is absolutely the essence of a labor of love.
Will Ransom
It's refreshing to know that men deal with the same emotions that we women are fighting daily. I guess we just bitch about it more. lol. So then the question, Will, is does passion equal love? Once the passion is gone, is love lost?
ReplyDeleteHard one to comment on. I think it's a two way street. It is not only the woman's responsibility to rekindle the loving. Sometimes sex becomes part of a routine (e.g. Sunday mornings because the kids sleep late), something you fit into the schedule. That doesn't work in the end for a woman. Men, for the most part are ok with that as long as they get some...or they get it somewhere else and keep two separate lives. Sorry, I can't answer any of your questions. I hope it has been rekindled by the couples that are still happily married. What do I know? I was married 17 years, but have been divorced for 15.
ReplyDelete... "happily married"... yet another blog =P I think it's difficult when you get caught in the everyday chores of raising a family, paying bills, and keeping the relationship going. I'm not sure anyone will have the answers to any of my questions... lol. But, I'll tell you this, if there is no passion, the relationship cannot survive. Men may not understand this, they can turn the on and off switch like a light switch; women need the romance... although, look at Will's take; maybe we, women, have been underestamating what mean really want or need.
ReplyDeleteWe men can "turn the on and off switch like a light switch" for sex and physical contact. While passion is needed for this, that passion does not necessarily have to be personal. When men want sex, most of us will take a partner that meets two standards: 1) We find her attractive, and 2) She's willing. This is ho wit is that man can cheat and honestly tell you, "Baby, she means nothing."
ReplyDeleteBut for passion and romance and to keep the spark alive...yeah, I would say women in general have underestimated what it is we want/need.
Will Ransom
I totally get the, "Baby, she means nothing to me." And, believe it or not it works the same way for us. Most women, and I say most because some cannot see the difference between sex and love and equate it to be one and the same, can have sex and be done with it. But, why do men expect us to be okay when men do it, and we are unforgivable when we do it?
ReplyDeleteIs it okay for men to cheat? Even understood, expected, and forgiven.. while women are still stoned at the square?