I was having lunch with a friend recently who has broken up from a long marriage. In total disarray, confused, and in tears she told me about how they just never communicated. “Really?” I said, “after all those years, you didn’t communicate, or did you just not listen?” She stopped dead in her tears, “what do you mean?” She looked at me.
It seems that we have a misconception of what communication is. Communication is not the constant talking and/or texting, but a consistent listening, understanding, and awareness of your surroundings. We need to listen with not only our ears but our eyes, and, most importantly, our heart.
Problem is that we are so busy talking or even yelling and screaming that we miss the message. We all communicate; some with words, others with gestures, still others with silence, and some with indifference.
“All those years married and he never wanted to do anything with me. Nothing I did was ever right.” She continued. “And, you don’t think he was communicating?” I asked. “His message was loud and clear, you just didn’t listen and missed it.” She stared at me.
They weren’t right for each other from the get-go, but she tried to change him, wanted to mold the marriage into something it would never be; and, in doing so, missed the message he was sending. Like any “good” wife does, she ignores the yelling, fighting, and then silence, and “makes it work.”
Today, we have an endless stream of communication with blackberries and smartphones and people constantly texting back and forth. Yet, another friend tells me that her boyfriend needs to “learn to communicate” as she looks at her phone waiting for a reply from her last message. “Really?” I smile. “Yes, he just doesn’t know how to communicate, but that’s okay we’re working on it. He’ll learn how to communicate” She picks up her phone again and frowns. “I think he is communicating just fine. You are just not listening.” I say.
I’m left wondering what exactly is it that we need to get the message across. A flair? Smoke signals? Why is it that we are not getting the S.O.S. they’re sending out and communicating to us?
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Straight Up
I’ve been struggling with the topic of love. I know, can you believe it! Well, not so much love, but the misconception of love by so many.
It seems that we haven’t evolved much since the days of Mr. Darcy and Lizzy. Pride and Prejudice was written in 1813, an era when women were to marry the man they danced with at a ball! Imagine, some guy asked you to dance and because you were seen dancing in public that meant an engagement was eminent. There was no touching, kissing, or God forbid sex before marriage; otherwise, you were a tainted woman and disgraced your whole family! And, behold, if you were 20 and not married, you’d better hurry up and get the first miserable, pathetic man that came along; you were a spinster and had to settle.
Some think it romantic, I think it’s barbaric. For crying out loud, thank God times of changed; or, have they? How can men and women in 2011, two hundred years from the dark ages still believe in the backward mentality of “good girls don’t”.
I just don’t get it. As much as I love tradition, romance, and all that jazz, we have evolved! We don’t have to settle, we don’t have to chase; and, hold on, are you ready for this? Good girls do! Wow! I know, earth shaking.
Love has little to do with the physical and everything to do with the heart. How are we ever going to know true love, if we are busy playing games? Here it is, straight up, good sex does not equal love. We are somehow still caught up in the backward thinking of two hundred years ago, “I slept with him, therefore, I love him.” Wake up! No! Sex does not equal love.
I’m left to ponder how it is that love has been so muddled; and, will we ever be able to handle love as it should be, straight up, no games, no frills, and no bull shit.
It seems that we haven’t evolved much since the days of Mr. Darcy and Lizzy. Pride and Prejudice was written in 1813, an era when women were to marry the man they danced with at a ball! Imagine, some guy asked you to dance and because you were seen dancing in public that meant an engagement was eminent. There was no touching, kissing, or God forbid sex before marriage; otherwise, you were a tainted woman and disgraced your whole family! And, behold, if you were 20 and not married, you’d better hurry up and get the first miserable, pathetic man that came along; you were a spinster and had to settle.
Some think it romantic, I think it’s barbaric. For crying out loud, thank God times of changed; or, have they? How can men and women in 2011, two hundred years from the dark ages still believe in the backward mentality of “good girls don’t”.
I just don’t get it. As much as I love tradition, romance, and all that jazz, we have evolved! We don’t have to settle, we don’t have to chase; and, hold on, are you ready for this? Good girls do! Wow! I know, earth shaking.
Love has little to do with the physical and everything to do with the heart. How are we ever going to know true love, if we are busy playing games? Here it is, straight up, good sex does not equal love. We are somehow still caught up in the backward thinking of two hundred years ago, “I slept with him, therefore, I love him.” Wake up! No! Sex does not equal love.
I’m left to ponder how it is that love has been so muddled; and, will we ever be able to handle love as it should be, straight up, no games, no frills, and no bull shit.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Norman Bates
It all started like a very promising date. It seemed to be the perfect catch, or so I was told. My response,” if he’s so perfect, why hasn’t been caught?” After dating for so many years, one develops a “Spidey Sense” when it comes to the men that are perceived as a “perfect” catch.
Nonetheless, I did what any single woman would do, you’ve got to give a guy a chance. It all seemed really nice. He was successful, attractive, and somewhat intelligent, but. You know there was a but. But, something just didn’t seem right. My Spidey Sense was telling me something was off.
After just one date, I knew there was a reason why this “perfect” catch was still single, never married, no kids, and living at home in his 40’s. He had a quick temper burst that gave a glimpse of his true colors. He quickly took control, eyes bulging, nostrils flaring and apologized. “Sorry. Bad day, “ he said. My guard was up, and I said, “hmm.” However, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Date number two made the pit in my stomach turn into a full grown tree. This guy was a control freak and couldn’t seem to stop staring. “Sorry, I’m staring so much. I just can’t help it.” He glared. “Well, I wish you would for the love, it’s creeping me out!”
My friend said I was being harsh, “He just likes you.” But, my Spidey Sense was screaming out, “Run! Hide! RED FLAG!”
And, then it happened. I guess I was being too stand-offish, wasn’t complying with his ideas, wasn’t taking the bait; I couldn't handle the glaring and hoovering. "I'm not needy," I said. "I need my space." He snapped without warning. “Norman Bates!” I felt like I was caught in a Hitchcock shower scene, “Eek! Eek! Eek!” The more I tried to speak with him with logic, the crazier he got. “Eek! Eek! Eek!”
Here’s the deal, a man in his 40’s and/or 50’s, never married, no kids, living at home is never a good thing. Sorry, ladies, it’s been tested and proven. Now, he may fit one of the categories, but ALL! No good. Doesn’t matter how much money, how successful, or good looking he is. Run for your lives, it’s Norman Bates.
Nonetheless, I did what any single woman would do, you’ve got to give a guy a chance. It all seemed really nice. He was successful, attractive, and somewhat intelligent, but. You know there was a but. But, something just didn’t seem right. My Spidey Sense was telling me something was off.
After just one date, I knew there was a reason why this “perfect” catch was still single, never married, no kids, and living at home in his 40’s. He had a quick temper burst that gave a glimpse of his true colors. He quickly took control, eyes bulging, nostrils flaring and apologized. “Sorry. Bad day, “ he said. My guard was up, and I said, “hmm.” However, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
Date number two made the pit in my stomach turn into a full grown tree. This guy was a control freak and couldn’t seem to stop staring. “Sorry, I’m staring so much. I just can’t help it.” He glared. “Well, I wish you would for the love, it’s creeping me out!”
My friend said I was being harsh, “He just likes you.” But, my Spidey Sense was screaming out, “Run! Hide! RED FLAG!”
And, then it happened. I guess I was being too stand-offish, wasn’t complying with his ideas, wasn’t taking the bait; I couldn't handle the glaring and hoovering. "I'm not needy," I said. "I need my space." He snapped without warning. “Norman Bates!” I felt like I was caught in a Hitchcock shower scene, “Eek! Eek! Eek!” The more I tried to speak with him with logic, the crazier he got. “Eek! Eek! Eek!”
Here’s the deal, a man in his 40’s and/or 50’s, never married, no kids, living at home is never a good thing. Sorry, ladies, it’s been tested and proven. Now, he may fit one of the categories, but ALL! No good. Doesn’t matter how much money, how successful, or good looking he is. Run for your lives, it’s Norman Bates.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The One
I took a sip of my Vodka Martini, as I tried to listen to my friend trying to figure out what was the “next” step in her “relationship.” Honestly, I was really trying to understand the conversation. “Why does it have to be so confusing?” I asked her.
She looked at me like I had three heads and just landed from Mars which is not unusual. I realized I was treading on a delicate subject; but why do we insist on complicating things and in the process dismantling something “good”.
I sipped again and waived for another knowing this would require multiple martinis.
“Well, things are going well, no?” I smiled. She nodded, “Yes, but…” I interrupted. “You are happy. He is happy. You are getting along.” No need for a “but”; yet she felt the need for an explanation.
“Yes, he is the one, and that’s why it needs to go to the next level. We need to take the next step.” And, here is where I get lost.
What exactly is it that we expect from a relationship? Is being content not enough? We struggle, date, jump through hoops , and are discontent being single until we find “the one”. Then, when we find someone and things are going “great” by relationship standards, we need to push it to the “next” level and it all falls apart.
“ Maybe there is no next level.” I said. Maybe a relationship just is what it is. If it’s going well, why does it have to go anywhere else? If, he is “the one”, then everyone should be satisfied and content with things as they are.
“Maybe he’s not the one?” I smiled. She looked at me and took a huge gulp of her drink, “what do you mean?”
“Hon, if he’s the one, he’ll be there forever. No need to push, rush, or move things to any other level. Love comes in one dimension without levels. It exists because it is real and there is no need for us to make it more than it is. Just enjoy the ride and let the pieces fall as they should.”
I couldn’t help and wonder, though, has our search for “the one” left us with a misconception of love.
She looked at me like I had three heads and just landed from Mars which is not unusual. I realized I was treading on a delicate subject; but why do we insist on complicating things and in the process dismantling something “good”.
I sipped again and waived for another knowing this would require multiple martinis.
“Well, things are going well, no?” I smiled. She nodded, “Yes, but…” I interrupted. “You are happy. He is happy. You are getting along.” No need for a “but”; yet she felt the need for an explanation.
“Yes, he is the one, and that’s why it needs to go to the next level. We need to take the next step.” And, here is where I get lost.
What exactly is it that we expect from a relationship? Is being content not enough? We struggle, date, jump through hoops , and are discontent being single until we find “the one”. Then, when we find someone and things are going “great” by relationship standards, we need to push it to the “next” level and it all falls apart.
“ Maybe there is no next level.” I said. Maybe a relationship just is what it is. If it’s going well, why does it have to go anywhere else? If, he is “the one”, then everyone should be satisfied and content with things as they are.
“Maybe he’s not the one?” I smiled. She looked at me and took a huge gulp of her drink, “what do you mean?”
“Hon, if he’s the one, he’ll be there forever. No need to push, rush, or move things to any other level. Love comes in one dimension without levels. It exists because it is real and there is no need for us to make it more than it is. Just enjoy the ride and let the pieces fall as they should.”
I couldn’t help and wonder, though, has our search for “the one” left us with a misconception of love.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
No Strings Attached
The conversation over lunch and a glass of red was , can we do it? Have a “relationship” or non-relationship with no strings attached?
One girlfriend, said, “yes” without a second thought. The other, “no” just as quickly. I, of course, pondered and debated.
While men seem to want to have and boast that they can have non-relationship with no strings attached, they don’t seem to handle it well. Their egos are hurt, they put up their protective shield, and are sent into a male frenzy. They wonder “why”?, and become a bit possessive. Men can’t help it, it stems back from cave men days. They are the hunters and gathers who drag us by our hair and keep us in our caves while they hunt and gather some more.
Now, we’ve thrown a curve, “Honey, it’s okay if you hunt and gather; but, I’m not staying in the cave. I’m going to hunt and gather, too. And, don’t worry, you don’t have to call or live in the cave even. As a matter of fact, I have my own cave. No need for you to even hang around unless there is sex to be had.” The cave man is lost, stunned even, this isn’t what he was wired to do! What is this crazy woman talking about?
Women seem to think that we can handle the hunting and the gathering in addition to the cooking, cleaning, and having a non-relationship with the same ease. But, we can’t because we are not wired that way.
We are wired to nest, nurture, and love. Although, we are just as tough as our male counter parts, if not tougher, eventually, we want more. It’s in our soul. We weren’t meant to hunt , gather, and cook the beast; and, although, we can do it, it’s outside our nature. Eventually, those dreaded words that men hate to hear come out of our mouths, “Honey, I want more.” We smile leaving our male counter parts dumbfounded yet again.
Regardless, of how much either sex wants to admit that they can handle a non-relationship with no strings attached, we can’t. It is not what we were meant to do. Men are simple minded creatures who just want to do what they do best, hunt, gather, and have sex. Women are complex individuals who need so much more. We are the life givers and all that embodies Mother Earth. And, as much as both may want to be in non-relationships with no strings attached, we cannot cut the strings that bind our hearts.
One girlfriend, said, “yes” without a second thought. The other, “no” just as quickly. I, of course, pondered and debated.
While men seem to want to have and boast that they can have non-relationship with no strings attached, they don’t seem to handle it well. Their egos are hurt, they put up their protective shield, and are sent into a male frenzy. They wonder “why”?, and become a bit possessive. Men can’t help it, it stems back from cave men days. They are the hunters and gathers who drag us by our hair and keep us in our caves while they hunt and gather some more.
Now, we’ve thrown a curve, “Honey, it’s okay if you hunt and gather; but, I’m not staying in the cave. I’m going to hunt and gather, too. And, don’t worry, you don’t have to call or live in the cave even. As a matter of fact, I have my own cave. No need for you to even hang around unless there is sex to be had.” The cave man is lost, stunned even, this isn’t what he was wired to do! What is this crazy woman talking about?
Women seem to think that we can handle the hunting and the gathering in addition to the cooking, cleaning, and having a non-relationship with the same ease. But, we can’t because we are not wired that way.
We are wired to nest, nurture, and love. Although, we are just as tough as our male counter parts, if not tougher, eventually, we want more. It’s in our soul. We weren’t meant to hunt , gather, and cook the beast; and, although, we can do it, it’s outside our nature. Eventually, those dreaded words that men hate to hear come out of our mouths, “Honey, I want more.” We smile leaving our male counter parts dumbfounded yet again.
Regardless, of how much either sex wants to admit that they can handle a non-relationship with no strings attached, we can’t. It is not what we were meant to do. Men are simple minded creatures who just want to do what they do best, hunt, gather, and have sex. Women are complex individuals who need so much more. We are the life givers and all that embodies Mother Earth. And, as much as both may want to be in non-relationships with no strings attached, we cannot cut the strings that bind our hearts.
Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
"Til we've had just enough"
It seems some of us have missed the meaning of relationships and why we have them. In our search for “forever”, we have forgotten that relationships are the core of life.
All relationships that we are in teach us something about ourselves. It’s all about us and our next step. They are a trial, a test, a necessary “ must do” that will help our souls reach their true potential.
We ask ourselves “what is wrong with me?”, as we close another chapter and are left to marvel and wonder why things didn’t work out. Well, they did. Things did work out. We were involved with someone that we learned from. We gave, we shared, and we learned; and vice-a-versa. There is nothing wrong with either one of you. You are just different souls on this earthly mission trying to figure it out.
So, my friends, as the amazing Dr. Suess said, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Don’t beat yourself up over something that ended, instead celebrate that it happened. Let go of the anger and the pain so that love can embrace your heart.
There is no need to tear the other person apart. No need for gossip. No need for lies. No need for anger. Let it go. Put your ego aside and realize that we are all here on the same mission. Let go of the anger and the ego; and, then love can emerge.
We need to understand relationships are gifts from God and they come with expiration dates. Whether it’s til death do us part or til we’ve had just enough, forever has an expiration. It’s what we do with what we have at the moment that really counts.
In other words, NEXT!
All relationships that we are in teach us something about ourselves. It’s all about us and our next step. They are a trial, a test, a necessary “ must do” that will help our souls reach their true potential.
We ask ourselves “what is wrong with me?”, as we close another chapter and are left to marvel and wonder why things didn’t work out. Well, they did. Things did work out. We were involved with someone that we learned from. We gave, we shared, and we learned; and vice-a-versa. There is nothing wrong with either one of you. You are just different souls on this earthly mission trying to figure it out.
So, my friends, as the amazing Dr. Suess said, don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. Don’t beat yourself up over something that ended, instead celebrate that it happened. Let go of the anger and the pain so that love can embrace your heart.
There is no need to tear the other person apart. No need for gossip. No need for lies. No need for anger. Let it go. Put your ego aside and realize that we are all here on the same mission. Let go of the anger and the ego; and, then love can emerge.
We need to understand relationships are gifts from God and they come with expiration dates. Whether it’s til death do us part or til we’ve had just enough, forever has an expiration. It’s what we do with what we have at the moment that really counts.
In other words, NEXT!
Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2011
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Shattered Glass
When I was about ten years old, my brother and I were playing ball in the living room. Sure enough, we broke one of our mom’s favorite vases. We stood paralyzed staring at the shattered glass. “Yikes”, I thought. “We can fix it.” I declared to my startle brother.
My mom picked up the pieces. I just watched silently as mom desperately glued the pieces of her favorite vase back together. I knew in my heart it would never be the same, it didn’t look the same, feel the same, it just wasn’t the same. But, she tried nonetheless. And, there it was. Mom’s favorite vase, glued together, chipped, with cracks, looking pitiful.
After that day, I vowed never to keep anything that was broken. No matter how hard you try, once it’s broken, it’s broken. Nothing you can do or say can change the fact.
Relationships are the same way. Once the trust in a relationship is broken, it’s gone, and nothing you do or say can change the facts. Certainly, forgiveness is essential, but forgiveness doesn’t mean that you can erase what’s done. What’s done is done. What’s said is said. And, unfortunately some things just can’t be fixed no matter how hard we try. Things can never happen the same way twice.
The best thing to do is learn, grow, and move on. Let go of what was so that you can accept what is. Realizing that hearts can shatter as easily as glass; and knowing that sometimes a new vase may be just what you need.
My mom picked up the pieces. I just watched silently as mom desperately glued the pieces of her favorite vase back together. I knew in my heart it would never be the same, it didn’t look the same, feel the same, it just wasn’t the same. But, she tried nonetheless. And, there it was. Mom’s favorite vase, glued together, chipped, with cracks, looking pitiful.
After that day, I vowed never to keep anything that was broken. No matter how hard you try, once it’s broken, it’s broken. Nothing you can do or say can change the fact.
Relationships are the same way. Once the trust in a relationship is broken, it’s gone, and nothing you do or say can change the facts. Certainly, forgiveness is essential, but forgiveness doesn’t mean that you can erase what’s done. What’s done is done. What’s said is said. And, unfortunately some things just can’t be fixed no matter how hard we try. Things can never happen the same way twice.
The best thing to do is learn, grow, and move on. Let go of what was so that you can accept what is. Realizing that hearts can shatter as easily as glass; and knowing that sometimes a new vase may be just what you need.
Copyright ©Lucy Tamajon 2011
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