I was having lunch with a friend recently who has broken up from a long marriage. In total disarray, confused, and in tears she told me about how they just never communicated. “Really?” I said, “after all those years, you didn’t communicate, or did you just not listen?” She stopped dead in her tears, “what do you mean?” She looked at me.
It seems that we have a misconception of what communication is. Communication is not the constant talking and/or texting, but a consistent listening, understanding, and awareness of your surroundings. We need to listen with not only our ears but our eyes, and, most importantly, our heart.
Problem is that we are so busy talking or even yelling and screaming that we miss the message. We all communicate; some with words, others with gestures, still others with silence, and some with indifference.
“All those years married and he never wanted to do anything with me. Nothing I did was ever right.” She continued. “And, you don’t think he was communicating?” I asked. “His message was loud and clear, you just didn’t listen and missed it.” She stared at me.
They weren’t right for each other from the get-go, but she tried to change him, wanted to mold the marriage into something it would never be; and, in doing so, missed the message he was sending. Like any “good” wife does, she ignores the yelling, fighting, and then silence, and “makes it work.”
Today, we have an endless stream of communication with blackberries and smartphones and people constantly texting back and forth. Yet, another friend tells me that her boyfriend needs to “learn to communicate” as she looks at her phone waiting for a reply from her last message. “Really?” I smile. “Yes, he just doesn’t know how to communicate, but that’s okay we’re working on it. He’ll learn how to communicate” She picks up her phone again and frowns. “I think he is communicating just fine. You are just not listening.” I say.
I’m left wondering what exactly is it that we need to get the message across. A flair? Smoke signals? Why is it that we are not getting the S.O.S. they’re sending out and communicating to us?
Dear Lucy, have you ever read a horoscope under your sign, and even if you are not really a believer, it has appeared as if it was written about you, about exactly what's going on in your Life, and you have been left a bit perplexed and wondering how it could be so precise?.
ReplyDeleteThis is the case with this, your latest blog. I sure hope your friend is not my wife, for It would really ruin the way I have imagined you; That is, since we don’t actually know each other. I’m pretty sure is not her, but it sure could be a great possibility, since you have so many friends in common.
My marriage is ending in a very unhealthy way after 25 years, and I have no doubt that the lack off, or failure to know how to communicate, is the main reason for our ultimate brake up, as it was the cause of so many, if not all of the stupid and inconsequential, petty arguments, and even the cause of so many self doubts and hang-ups created from assuming what your partner is feeling, rather than expressing them and sharing them.
Once again, I’m impressed by the fact that you are able to see things from a different perspective, or at least an impartial one. Were we really listening? Were we really opened to explore and contemplate the other person’s point of view?
But as you actually mention, communication is not bound by just talking and listening. It is also by being aware and observing the other person’s expressions and emotions, by understanding their body language, by the use of all of our senses, including touching, by hugging, holding hands, ect, ect; and in the case of long time partners and/or friends, one also needs to take in consideration, what you should know, about the person’s soul.
I agree with all of the reasons you believe are part of the problem with communication between partners. In my case, and to add to your list, the biggest problem was we had become accustomed to communicating by arguing; we had become predisposition to contradict the others point of view, regardless. We were just reacting to each other, and blaming each other for all the unhappiness we felt in our lives.
“All those years married and he never wanted to do anything with me. Nothing I did was ever right.” She continued. “And, you don’t think he was communicating?” I asked. “His message was loud and clear, you just didn’t listen and missed it.”
I included the above quotes from your blog (I hope I didn’t infringe on any blog copy rights) because is when I really questioned, if I was the other half. But I didn’t understand your response. I agree there is a clear statement being made, certainly a form of communication, but what confused me, especially since at this point I really thought it was my Horoscope; Where you trying to interpret what this behavior was communicating?
As far as Today’s endless stream and methods of communication, with blackberries and smartphones and as you say, people constantly texting back and forth. I think this will be one of our biggest downfalls as a Society, we are losing the human interaction. You can’t be aware and observe a person’s expressions and emotions, or their body language while texting. I have already experienced firsthand a few misunderstandings because of what has been communicated over a text.
Lucy, I’m sorry this has become so lengthy, but I think you could understand why.
I continue to enjoy your writing; it is what initially caught my attention to you, and you are still the only person I do not know, to whom I sent a friend request to.
Hey!, if it’s not my wife, It’s your friend cute? …. Live and Laugh…. : )
Hope all is well Lucy.
Dear Lucy, have you ever read a horoscope under your sign, and even if you are not really a believer, it has appeared as if it was written about you, about exactly what's going on in your Life, and you have been left a bit perplexed and wondering how it could be so precise?.
ReplyDeleteThis is the case with this, your latest blog. I sure hope your friend is not my wife, for It would really ruin the way I have imagined you; That is, since we don’t actually know each other. I’m pretty sure is not her, but it sure could be a great possibility, since you have so many friends in common.
My marriage is ending in a very unhealthy way after 25 years, and I have no doubt that the lack off, or failure to know how to communicate, is the main reason for our ultimate brake up, as it was the cause of so many, if not all of the stupid and inconsequential, petty arguments, and even the cause of so many self doubts and hang-ups created from assuming what your partner is feeling, rather than expressing them and sharing them.
Once again, I’m impressed by the fact that you are able to see things from a different perspective, or at least an impartial one. Were we really listening? Were we really opened to explore and contemplate the other person’s point of view?
But as you actually mention, communication is not bound by just talking and listening. It is also by being aware and observing the other person’s expressions and emotions, by understanding their body language, by the use of all of our senses, including touching, by hugging, holding hands, ect, ect; and in the case of long time partners and/or friends, one also needs to take in consideration, what you should know, about the person’s soul.
I agree with all of the reasons you believe are part of the problem with communication between partners. In my case, and to add to your list, the biggest problem was we had become accustomed to communicating by arguing; we had become predisposition to contradict the others point of view, regardless. We were just reacting to each other, and blaming each other for all the unhappiness we felt in our lives.
“All those years married and he never wanted to do anything with me. Nothing I did was ever right.” She continued. “And, you don’t think he was communicating?” I asked. “His message was loud and clear, you just didn’t listen and missed it.”
I included the above quotes from your blog (I hope I didn’t infringe on any blog copy rights) because is when I really questioned, if I was the other half. But I didn’t understand your response. I agree there is a clear statement being made, certainly a form of communication, but what confused me, especially since at this point I really thought it was my Horoscope; Where you trying to interpret what this behavior was communicating?
As far as Today’s endless stream and methods of communication, with blackberries and smartphones and as you say, people constantly texting back and forth. I think this will be one of our biggest downfalls as a Society, we are losing the human interaction. You can’t be aware and observe a person’s expressions and emotions, or their body language while texting. I have already experienced firsthand a few misunderstandings because of what has been communicated over a text.
Lucy, I’m sorry this has become so lengthy, but I think you could understand why.
I continue to enjoy your writing; it is what initially caught my attention to you, and you are still the only person I do not know, to whom I sent a friend request to.
Hey!, if it’s not my wife, It’s your friend cute? …. Live and Laugh…. : )
Hope all is well Lucy.
Dear Lucy, have you ever read a horoscope under your sign, and even if you are not really a believer, it has appeared as if it was written about you, about exactly what's going on in your Life, and you have been left a bit perplexed and wondering how it could be so precise?.
ReplyDeleteThis is the case with this, your latest blog. I sure hope your friend is not my wife, for It would really ruin the way I have imagined you; That is, since we don’t actually know each other. I’m pretty sure is not her, but it sure could be a great possibility, since you have so many friends in common.
My marriage is ending in a very unhealthy way after 25 years, and I have no doubt that the lack off, or failure to know how to communicate, is the main reason for our ultimate brake up, as it was the cause of so many, if not all of the stupid and inconsequential, petty arguments, and even the cause of so many self doubts and hang-ups created from assuming what your partner is feeling, rather than expressing them and sharing them.
Once again, I’m impressed by the fact that you are able to see things from a different perspective, or at least an impartial one. Were we really listening? Were we really opened to explore and contemplate the other person’s point of view?
But as you actually mention, communication is not bound by just talking and listening. It is also by being aware and observing the other person’s expressions and emotions, by understanding their body language, by the use of all of our senses, including touching, by hugging, holding hands, ect, ect; and in the case of long time partners and/or friends, one also needs to take in consideration, what you should know, about the person’s soul.
I agree with all of the reasons you believe are part of the problem with communication between partners. In my case, and to add to your list, the biggest problem was we had become accustomed to communicating by arguing; we had become predisposition to contradict the others point of view, regardless. We were just reacting to each other, and blaming each other for all the unhappiness we felt in our lives.
“All those years married and he never wanted to do anything with me. Nothing I did was ever right.” She continued. “And, you don’t think he was communicating?” I asked. “His message was loud and clear, you just didn’t listen and missed it.”
I included the above quotes from your blog (I hope I didn’t infringe on any blog copy rights) because is when I really questioned, if I was the other half. But I didn’t understand your response. I agree there is a clear statement being made, certainly a form of communication, but what confused me, especially since at this point I really thought it was my Horoscope; Where you trying to interpret what this behavior was communicating?
As far as Today’s endless stream and methods of communication, with blackberries and smartphones and as you say, people constantly texting back and forth. I think this will be one of our biggest downfalls as a Society, we are losing the human interaction. You can’t be aware and observe a person’s expressions and emotions, or their body language while texting. I have already experienced firsthand a few misunderstandings because of what has been communicated over a text.
Lucy, I’m sorry this has become so lengthy, but I think you could understand why.
I continue to enjoy your writing; it is what initially caught my attention to you, and you are still the only person I do not know, to whom I sent a friend request to.
Hey!, if it’s not my wife, It’s your friend cute? …. Live and Laugh…. : )
Hope all is well Lucy.
Lucy, this is the third time I have posted the above comment. If for what ever reason you feel is inapropiate, please let me know. I'm begining to think that you have the option to delete the comments and you just don't care to hear what I have to say. If that's the case, don't sweated, you wont be hurting my feelings. P.S.: Congrats on the new gig.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what's going on, but my original comment is once again gone.
ReplyDeleteLet's try this.
ReplyDeleteDear Lucy, have you ever read a horoscope under your sign, and even if you are not really a believer, it has appeared as if it was written about you, about exactly what's going on in your Life, and you have been left a bit perplexed and wondering how it could be so precise?.
This is the case with this, your latest blog. I sure hope your friend is not my wife, for It would really ruin the way I have imagined you; That is, since we don’t actually know each other. I’m pretty sure is not her, but it sure could be a great possibility, since you have so many friends in common.
My marriage is ending in a very unhealthy way after 25 years, and I have no doubt that the lack off, or failure to know how to communicate, is the main reason for our ultimate brake up, as it was the cause of so many, if not all of the stupid and inconsequential, petty arguments, and even the cause of so many self doubts and hang-ups created from assuming what your partner is feeling, rather than expressing them and sharing them.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, I’m impressed by the fact that you are able to see things from a different perspective, or at least an impartial one. Were we really listening? Were we really opened to explore and contemplate the other person’s point of view?
But as you actually mention, communication is not bound by just talking and listening. It is also by being aware and observing the other person’s expressions and emotions, by understanding their body language, by the use of all of our senses, including touching, by hugging, holding hands, ect, ect; and in the case of long time partners and/or friends, one also needs to take in consideration, what you should know, about the person’s soul.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the reasons you believe are part of the problem with communication between partners. In my case, and to add to your list, the biggest problem was we had become accustomed to communicating by arguing; we had become predisposition to contradict the others point of view, regardless. We were just reacting to each other, and blaming each other for all the unhappiness we felt in our lives.
“All those years married and he never wanted to do anything with me. Nothing I did was ever right.” She continued. “And, you don’t think he was communicating?” I asked. “His message was loud and clear, you just didn’t listen and missed it.”
ReplyDeleteI included the above quotes from your blog (I hope I didn’t infringe on any blog copy rights) because is when I really questioned, if I was the other half. But I didn’t understand your response. I agree there is a clear statement being made, certainly a form of communication, but what confused me, especially since at this point I really thought it was my Horoscope; Where you trying to interpret what this behavior was communicating?
As far as Today’s endless stream and methods of communication, with blackberries and smartphones and as you say, people constantly texting back and forth. I think this will be one of our biggest downfalls as a Society, we are losing the human interaction. You can’t be aware and observe a person’s expressions and emotions, or their body language while texting. I have already experienced firsthand a few misunderstandings because of what has been communicated over a text.
ReplyDeleteLucy, I’m sorry this has become so lengthy, but I think you could understand why.
I continue to enjoy your writing; it is what initially caught my attention to you, and you are still the only person I do not know, to whom I sent a friend request to.
Hey!, if it’s not my wife, It’s your friend cute? Live and Laugh…. :)
ReplyDeleteHope all is well Lucy.
Humber, just saw your comments. No, I haven't deleted any of them and it's ok if they are lengthy. I'm always flattered that my blogs are read and I hope that in some small way they can help someone make sense of something in their own lives.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about your marriage. It's always difficult when a marriage ends bu it's often for the best. No, I your wife is not the friend I speak of... lol. And, she my friend is very cute =)
Marriage shouldn't be a challenge. It is a wonderful decision made to share two lives as one. It should be the most natural thing in the world. Yet, it becomes a nightmare for so many. Unhappy and trapped in a relationship that seems to suck the very life you wanted to create. Not sure if I know why this happens, it just does.
Perhaps it's because we expect too much instead of just being. We live comparing our marriages to those of others and how we're loved is measured. Instead, we should smile and be grateful for the love.
Humber, divorce is tough. Starting over is even tougher, but if after so many years you both decided to start anew, then it is for the best. Try to be civil and try to remember the person you fell in love with. Even though you've grown out of love, you've shared a life, and there is no need for anger, bitterness, or even hate.
Peace <3
thanks LT
ReplyDelete