The topic was break-ups. Not just break-ups but disappointing break-ups. The ones that leave us wondering what in the world went wrong with this relationship? This definitely merited a martini, not just any martini but a Bikini Apple-tini.
Thing is that the so called relationship was doomed from day one. Why? Because we cannot change people. We cannot mold and shape people to be what we need. They must be what we need from the get go. And, by the same token we must be what they need as well. No one changes for anyone else. It just doesn’t happen.
I admit, sometimes it’s not easy to detect that they are trying to change us. “Honey, I love you but you would be unbelievable if you worked out a little more.” Or, “How many drinks have you had? You drink too much.” Or, “Do you really need to eat that bowl of ice cream?” The remarks are subtle but the intent is there, they want to alter us. Change who we are to accommodate their needs and their perception of what you need to be for them. Women do the same as well.
Bottom line, people come, “AS IS”. We are who we are and we need to be accepted as we are. There are no returns, changes, or alterations. The minute we alter or try to alter the person we are with, the relationship is doomed.
It may take time to find someone that accepts us “AS IS”. It may take longer than we want or expected. We may get anxious wondering if there is someone out there that is willing to accept to love us with all our factory defects, our imperfections, and our amazing authentic selves. Ladies, there is. He may be the person you least expect. He will come into your lives when you are not looking. He will smile and when he does, the world will stand still; and you’ll know in a split second that no alterations are required. He will love you “AS IS”.
Have you ever been loved that way and if yes... were there more than one?
ReplyDeleteYes. Once.
ReplyDeleteMost men have a tendency of wanting to "change" the woman they supposedly love, but when you love from the heart you accept the person as is without wanting to change, alter, or mold them. Women do it, too. However, men are more controlling than women.
Therefore, it is an amazing feeling when one finds a love that doesn't care about the color or length of your hair, whether you have a few pounds more or less. Then you know real love.
If you are fortunate enough to have to have that kind of love (as you mentioned having once) how do you hold on to it? Do you need to work at keeping it or is it really just be yourself and that’s it? You mention you had it once. Without prying too much… what happened?
ReplyDeleteLove shouldn't be "work" contrary to popular opinion. Loving is work, but staying in a relationship is because there are so many variables that distract. Remember, it's a two-way street. Once must accept the other "as is" as well. Loving is easy when you accept one another.
ReplyDeleteLet's look briefly why relationships fall apart. Money. Money is probably the top reason arguments about money. Then there's medaling family members. Couples become comfortable, the passion fades, and soon you are left with two ordinary people doing the best they can.
Couples need to put aside all the distractions and rediscover themselves again and again, especially, as the years pass. Accepting time as a variable that changes us at times and being okay with it.
I have been with controlling that want to control everything from the get go. "I love you but you'd be so much prettier if your hair were dark... or you exercised more... or you didn't drink so much wine..." lol.. soon they are choosing your friends, picking what you should eat, etc. etc. This relationship is doomed.
So, my response is a bit long because I'm not certain what your question is exactly.
Love is simple and requires little effort.
Relationships require some work.
Both need patience which is the glue.
Does this help a little?
I think a lot of who we are in mature relationships stems from the relationships that hurt us the most from our youth. Those early relationships where we make the biggest mistakes mold us and last forever. Relationships when you've hit a certain age are looked at with a more analytical eye. For example it wasn't until my 30's that I realized that anger is a secondary reaction to being hurt. Once I learned that lesson I was able to adjust myself to accomodate my partner. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I think we have a better relationship now because of this.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with you that we have to rediscover our partners periodically as time changes us. Hopefully each time we reacquaint ourselves with each other we find someone we still love and things will continue to work.
Money troubles and outside interference like friends and family do suck, but with enough patience, respect, compassion and passion I guess things will work out... I hope ;-)
Certainly every relationship and/or friendship influence us and we learn from our "mistakes" helping us become better people as a whole.
ReplyDeleteI don't anyone ever wants to hurt anyone else. We do and say things that we truly don't mean out of fear or in your case anger. Some learn, some don't. And, sometimes it's essential for us to recognize this if we are the other party.
Sometimes we think we can make it work, give it another try, things will get better because we loved them "then" does not necessarily mean we love them "now". They may have been the right person at one point, but not now.
Life is too short to "guess" and "hope" and wait for things to work out... sometimes we need to make some very difficult choices.
Having said that, we need to look for the answers in our heart not our mind. The heart knows what the mind can never grasp.
My apologies....I was wrong about so many things...I know know better...
ReplyDeleteNo apologies necessary, I'm certain you weren't "wrong" about anything but was simply trying to make a relationship that you cared about work. Sometimes, we try too hard. We want to "make" things happen, but things just are... we cannot make anything be something it isn't. Again, I believe that all the answers are within our hearts and if we look there first, everything will fall into place as it should.
ReplyDelete