Sending out an S.O.S.

I was having lunch with a friend recently who has broken up from a long marriage. In total disarray, confused, and in tears she told me about how they just never communicated. “Really?” I said, “after all those years, you didn’t communicate, or did you just not listen?” She stopped dead in her tears, “what do you mean?” She looked at me.

It seems that we have a misconception of what communication is. Communication is not the constant talking and/or texting, but a consistent listening, understanding, and awareness of your surroundings. We need to listen with not only our ears but our eyes, and, most importantly, our heart.

Problem is that we are so busy talking or even yelling and screaming that we miss the message. We all communicate; some with words, others with gestures, still others with silence, and some with indifference.

“All those years married and he never wanted to do anything with me. Nothing I did was ever right.” She continued. “And, you don’t think he was communicating?” I asked. “His message was loud and clear, you just didn’t listen and missed it.” She stared at me.

They weren’t right for each other from the get-go, but she tried to change him, wanted to mold the marriage into something it would never be; and, in doing so, missed the message he was sending. Like any “good” wife does, she ignores the yelling, fighting, and then silence, and “makes it work.”

Today, we have an endless stream of communication with blackberries and smartphones and people constantly texting back and forth. Yet, another friend tells me that her boyfriend needs to “learn to communicate” as she looks at her phone waiting for a reply from her last message. “Really?” I smile. “Yes, he just doesn’t know how to communicate, but that’s okay we’re working on it. He’ll learn how to communicate” She picks up her phone again and frowns. “I think he is communicating just fine. You are just not listening.” I say.

I’m left wondering what exactly is it that we need to get the message across. A flair? Smoke signals? Why is it that we are not getting the S.O.S. they’re sending out and communicating to us?

Straight Up

I’ve been struggling with the topic of love. I know, can you believe it! Well, not so much love, but the misconception of love by so many.

It seems that we haven’t evolved much since the days of Mr. Darcy and Lizzy. Pride and Prejudice was written in 1813, an era when women were to marry the man they danced with at a ball! Imagine, some guy asked you to dance and because you were seen dancing in public that meant an engagement was eminent. There was no touching, kissing, or God forbid sex before marriage; otherwise, you were a tainted woman and disgraced your whole family! And, behold, if you were 20 and not married, you’d better hurry up and get the first miserable, pathetic man that came along; you were a spinster and had to settle.

Some think it romantic, I think it’s barbaric. For crying out loud, thank God times of changed; or, have they? How can men and women in 2011, two hundred years from the dark ages still believe in the backward mentality of “good girls don’t”.
I just don’t get it. As much as I love tradition, romance, and all that jazz, we have evolved! We don’t have to settle, we don’t have to chase; and, hold on, are you ready for this? Good girls do! Wow! I know, earth shaking.

Love has little to do with the physical and everything to do with the heart. How are we ever going to know true love, if we are busy playing games? Here it is, straight up, good sex does not equal love. We are somehow still caught up in the backward thinking of two hundred years ago, “I slept with him, therefore, I love him.” Wake up! No! Sex does not equal love.

I’m left to ponder how it is that love has been so muddled; and, will we ever be able to handle love as it should be, straight up, no games, no frills, and no bull shit.

Norman Bates

It all started like a very promising date. It seemed to be the perfect catch, or so I was told. My response,” if he’s so perfect, why hasn’t been caught?” After dating for so many years, one develops a “Spidey Sense” when it comes to the men that are perceived as a “perfect” catch.

Nonetheless, I did what any single woman would do, you’ve got to give a guy a chance. It all seemed really nice. He was successful, attractive, and somewhat intelligent, but. You know there was a but. But, something just didn’t seem right. My Spidey Sense was telling me something was off.

After just one date, I knew there was a reason why this “perfect” catch was still single, never married, no kids, and living at home in his 40’s. He had a quick temper burst that gave a glimpse of his true colors. He quickly took control, eyes bulging, nostrils flaring and apologized. “Sorry. Bad day, “ he said. My guard was up, and I said, “hmm.” However, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Date number two made the pit in my stomach turn into a full grown tree. This guy was a control freak and couldn’t seem to stop staring. “Sorry, I’m staring so much. I just can’t help it.” He glared. “Well, I wish you would for the love, it’s creeping me out!”

My friend said I was being harsh, “He just likes you.” But, my Spidey Sense was screaming out, “Run! Hide! RED FLAG!”

And, then it happened. I guess I was being too stand-offish, wasn’t complying with his ideas, wasn’t taking the bait; I couldn't handle the glaring and hoovering. "I'm not needy," I said. "I need my space." He snapped without warning. “Norman Bates!” I felt like I was caught in a Hitchcock shower scene, “Eek! Eek! Eek!” The more I tried to speak with him with logic, the crazier he got. “Eek! Eek! Eek!”

Here’s the deal, a man in his 40’s and/or 50’s, never married, no kids, living at home is never a good thing. Sorry, ladies, it’s been tested and proven. Now, he may fit one of the categories, but ALL! No good. Doesn’t matter how much money, how successful, or good looking he is. Run for your lives, it’s Norman Bates.