Norman Bates

It all started like a very promising date. It seemed to be the perfect catch, or so I was told. My response,” if he’s so perfect, why hasn’t been caught?” After dating for so many years, one develops a “Spidey Sense” when it comes to the men that are perceived as a “perfect” catch.

Nonetheless, I did what any single woman would do, you’ve got to give a guy a chance. It all seemed really nice. He was successful, attractive, and somewhat intelligent, but. You know there was a but. But, something just didn’t seem right. My Spidey Sense was telling me something was off.

After just one date, I knew there was a reason why this “perfect” catch was still single, never married, no kids, and living at home in his 40’s. He had a quick temper burst that gave a glimpse of his true colors. He quickly took control, eyes bulging, nostrils flaring and apologized. “Sorry. Bad day, “ he said. My guard was up, and I said, “hmm.” However, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Date number two made the pit in my stomach turn into a full grown tree. This guy was a control freak and couldn’t seem to stop staring. “Sorry, I’m staring so much. I just can’t help it.” He glared. “Well, I wish you would for the love, it’s creeping me out!”

My friend said I was being harsh, “He just likes you.” But, my Spidey Sense was screaming out, “Run! Hide! RED FLAG!”

And, then it happened. I guess I was being too stand-offish, wasn’t complying with his ideas, wasn’t taking the bait; I couldn't handle the glaring and hoovering. "I'm not needy," I said. "I need my space." He snapped without warning. “Norman Bates!” I felt like I was caught in a Hitchcock shower scene, “Eek! Eek! Eek!” The more I tried to speak with him with logic, the crazier he got. “Eek! Eek! Eek!”

Here’s the deal, a man in his 40’s and/or 50’s, never married, no kids, living at home is never a good thing. Sorry, ladies, it’s been tested and proven. Now, he may fit one of the categories, but ALL! No good. Doesn’t matter how much money, how successful, or good looking he is. Run for your lives, it’s Norman Bates.

Once Upon a Time

I'm wondering how real romance is and how much is a made up fantasy in our minds? Ever since we were little girls, we were told of the infamous Prince Charming who would ride in one day on his wonderful white horse and whisk us away to his Castle. We would live “happily ever after.” Well, where is he already?

I think women are so exhausted waiting for the dashing Prince that we are starting to hallucinate. I'm taken back by how many “mature” women are still not only waiting for Prince Charming but see him where he doesn't exist!

It seems we see things that don't exist. We pick up “signals” that aren't really “signals” at all, and we wind up making fools of ourselves. Our quest for Prince Charming has diluted what is reality, and as we sit and sip our Martinis we seem to see our infamous Prince on the horizon.

The plot thickens when we are given what seems to be the social platform of the 21st Century, Facebook. Here we can hide behind a shield that only reveals bits and pieces of who we are. At times, creating a character that we once read about and isn't real at all. We read too much into a status or a song posted on a friend's wall and think, “it must be for me! Yes!! He is talking to me!” We dream and dream and think this is where he is! It's a desperate attempt of living life behind the wall created by no one other than yourself.

Once upon a time, there was a fairy tale land. Reality tells us differently. We are all just human trying to get through this messy thing called life. So, put the fairy tale down, appreciate the man you've got, count your blessings for the romances that you've had, and move on.

A Band of Gold

I just have to put this out there because I have been hearing all different excuses for this or lack of for years. Men that do not wear their wedding bands. Now, I have about heard every story in the book about this one.

"It's too hot, my fingers sweat."
"It's too cold, I can't wear my gloves."
"It bothers me when I drive."
"It gets caught on stuff."
"I don't really like jewelry."
"It's so uncomfortable to wear all the time."
"I usually wear it, but I forgot to put it on this morning."


I have heard them all. I'm not buying it. Not buying it one bit. I am a homing pigeon when it comes to wedding bands. .

I was a bar once, it was dark, crowded, and my friend says, "Oh, look cute guy across the way." I smile, "No, good. He's got a ring." She looked at me astound. "How the heck can you see from all the way here!" "Ahhh, it's a combination of raw talent blended with years of experience on the single scene."

I have become so good at it that I can even spot the occasional guy who tries to pull the wool over my eyes. At one occasion, a guy wearing a ring that I had spotted a mile away, looks my way and smiles. He starts approaching me to ask a question when he suddenly must have remembered, "Damn! I have a wife!" And, so he starts to very smoothly cover the ring. "Too late." I said. "What?" He looks at me trying to be slick. "I saw the ring, dude."

Here's the deal guys. Single girls are pretty good at spotting single guys. Married men whether they wear their rings or not are branded. Sorry, but you are. So do everyone a favor, keep the ring on. If wearing a simple band of gold is a burden, I can only imagine what the actual marriage must be like.

Mr. Creepy

I was chatting with a friend about “girl stuff” yesterday. Well, let me be honest, “girl stuff”, we were talking about men. We were shocked that perhaps we have dated the same man.
During our conversation and in comparing notes; yes, yes, we compared notes; it appears that we had both dated Mr. Creepy!

Ladies, I think we all know Mr. Creepy; but for those of you that have been away from the dating scene for awhile let me refresh your memory.

Mr. Creepy is the guy that calls you from different phone numbers so that you don’t recognize the number and hence he will “catch” you “off base”.

Mr. Creepy asks you were you spent the afternoon and when you say, “oh nowhere really, just stayed home.” He says, “No! You didn’t! You were at Starbucks at three o’clock with someone having coffee!” Wondering how he knows your every move, you say, “Oh, yeah, I stopped by for a quick cup with “so and so”. He says, “Why do you lie about where you were?” Here’s a newsflash, Mr. Creepy, maybe we just forgot because it wasn’t a big deal.

Mr. Creepy lurks in the background and watches and just pops up when you least expect him in the most unexpected times with an “ah huh! I thought you said you had a meeting! Why are you at Victoria Secrets instead? What are you buying? Why?” You look at him and you are thinking, good Lord, I need to run not walk away from this guy, and say “I did have a meeting. I’m buying underwear because I need it; and, I’ll see you maybe never!”

We have all met Mr. Creepy. Here’s my advise ladies when you come across Mr. Creepy, run fast!

Cheers! EXIT, Right! Next!

The Odd Lama on the Love Boat

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and the excitement is titillating. Everyone is talking about special gifts, special dinners, special vacations, special cruises, special flowers, and romance is everywhere. Not that I don’t love Valentine’s Day, I do. I love love, but I could just puke.

Being single in Miami these days is not an easy task. Being single on Valentine’s Day is just brutal. Everyone is paired up, smooching, giggling, and letting us single women know how happy “couplehood” is. I feel like the odd lama on the Love Boat that can’t find her pair.

What is worse is that I get to hear from all my married and coupled-up friends not to mention family about how I shouldn’t worry that eventually “Mr. Right” will eventually come along. I get that “look”, you know the kind. That sympathetic look that really says, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you find someone?” Or, worse, they try to match me up with some friend of friend who is single and “very nice”. You meet him, he is middle aged, bald, has a beer belly from here to eternity, and then tells you that he’s looking for that “special feeling, looking for butterflies in his stomach, and that you are just a little too old.” You have got to be kidding me. It’s a Valentine’s Day Nightmare, and I have just had enough of this love fiasco.

Therefore, this year, my quest is to find a Valentine for next year for all us odd lamas. However, I am going to go out of my way to find and extra, special, sexy, out of this world man. A stud that I can flaunt proudly on my arm with a smile on my face from ear to ear. A gorgeous hunk of a man that will turn heads, make my married coupled-up friends, tumble over on their butts spilling their martinis as they do so; and make every bald middle aged man that turned me down gag on his Viagra.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you are in search of your lama the quest is on. I will travel from east to west, hit every club, happy hour, networking event, seminar, gallery, and festival. I will bring my readers along for the ride. Hop aboard the Love Boat, we are headed into unchartered waters. Are you in for the ride?

Cheers and Happy Valentine’s Day!

Published at the Savvy Times

visit http://www.savvytimes.com/

The Bar Scene

Listen, I like men. Honestly, you can say, I love men. Everything about them is awesome. This is, I guess, my curse. Therefore, this is not about men bashing, male bashing, or whatever you want to call it. This is about some curious observations I have made; and, have had no other recourse but to reach the conclusion that men are idiots.I've really kept an open mind about this. Believe it or not, I am a sensible person. I weigh all the facts, take all the variables under consideration, and analysize before reaching a conclusion.

For example. I do not understand why men think that approaching a woman at a bar when they are intoxicated, drooling, and slurring their words would be attractive to us. Now, again, keeping the above formula in mind, I am open minded.

So the guy stumbles and sometimes falls over on his way to approach me, I look down at my feet at the idiot attempting to pick himself up, and sigh. He approaches me. Here's the conversation:"geye.. ma name sshis Joam.." after saying "what?" three times, I deduce he is saying, "Hi, my name is Jim." I hand him a napkin, "here," I say, "you are drooling.".. "Sanks" I turn away, hoping he'll leave, of course, he doesn't. Then he tries to charm me... I sigh some more. "gan I suy joo ace grink?" Again, after saying "what?" three times, I decifer.. "Can I buy you a drink?"

The conversation goes on until he just looses total control of his focus and is rescued by yet another speech impaired friend... "joory... ge'sh ad shoe nuch shoe grink. "What?... three times.. solve the puzzle. "Sorry, he's had too much to drink." NO SHIT, Sherlock! I smile and try to be nice, but man ... sometimes.

Now, how about some of the great pick up lines I've heard, and let me tell you... I've heard quite a few. But, here are some for the record book. Mind you these are "openers".

"Hi, do you eat?" My response, "if I'm hungry." What the heck?"

"Hi, I've been single for 2 years." My response, "congratulations." Again, what the heck?

"Hi, what kind of guy are you looking for?" My response, "one that doesn't slurr his speech."

"Hi, are you really here to watch the game?" My response, "well, seeing how this is a Sports Bar with a giant TV which I'm sitting in front of and there is a game on..." Again???

"Hi, are you a Marine?" ... "Do I look like a Marine?" Again????

I can't even been to imagine where he was going with that one, but for the love! Guys, really, what in the world is in your skull?? What happens up there is beyond me.

I don't understand. I just don't get it.

Exit! Right!

PS. This article was published at the SavvyTimes

visit http://www.savvytimes.com/

It Just Slipped My Mind

A friend of mine has been asking me to write about some of my dating experiences. She particularly likes this one. I fail to see the humor, but hey... she laughs her head off everytime she hears the story. This one is for all the single ladies out there willing to take a chance. Cheers!

I recently met a very “nice” man at work related event for sake of the story we’ll call him “M”. When we met, it was on a business level and we obviously discussed doing business together. We actually went to a couple of workshops and networking events all work related. He seemed "normal".

One day he asked to meet me for coffee to discuss some business things. I met him and we had good conversation and actually did discuss business. He later called and asked me out to dinner. At this point, I hesitated on the invitation, but he was very non-threatening and very friendly so I agreed.

We met at a local restaurant. I noticed that the conversation starts taking a more personal tone. At this point, I have to stop and think for a second. M had told me all about his so called life, he had three children, where he lived, about his neighbors, about his work. I knew what he did for a living and about his partners. He told me about his brother-in-law and some problems he was having at work. We discussed retirement planning and protection for his family. He even told me about his dog. M did not wear a wedding ring and never mentioned a wife. I assumed he was divorced.

Then that little voice inside of me was so loud I could not ignore it, and I looked at M, and asked; “M, are you married?” He looked at me, smiled, and as if I had asked, “Did you pick up milk yesterday on your way home?” He said, “Oh, yes. I have a wife.” He grinned like that cat that just ate the canary and was caught in the act. In complete awe, I said, “Were you planning on telling me?” I waited for his response, I just could not imagine what he would say and then I was just left with my jaw hanging opened, “We were having such a nice time. It just slipped my mind.”

Exit Right. Next!